When my husband, Tom and I married, I had no idea of how to make room for someone else’s way of being. When the priest said the magic words “I now pronounce you husband and wife” that was supposed to automatically lead you to “happily ever after”. My head was definitely in the clouds.
When I lived with my parents, life simply went on. Roles were assumed. If mother and father had a discussion we never knew about it. We were simply told what to do and were expected to follow the plan.
At the tender age of 19 I planned my escape route. I was going to run away to California. I would pack my bags for vacation the summer of my twentieth year and never come back. That almost worked.
Before that year was over I was out of the house – with my new husband. Saved face all around. But I went from the frying pan into the fire. 13 years later I took my 3 children and left that house forever too.
Do you know the 4 deadliest words in a relationship? “We have to talk.” Those words are like a shotgun blast to the butt and get the same results. First you are in shock then you are in pain. There must be another way.
Actually, there is. Why let issues pile up until you want to explode? A gentle rocking of the boat is easier to handle than a tidal wave.
When something is bothering you, take a time out. Look at yourself first. What are you feeling? What are you feeling? (not thinking) Where is that feeling located in your body? Sit with that for a few minutes. See what comes up.
Stay with the feeling and forget the story. When did you feel that same feeling before? And before that? Keep tracing the feeling back in time to its birth. When did it first happen? Once you have the courage to look that deadly dragon in the face it shrinks. Big time. Each time the dragon reappears it is much smaller until it finally disappears altogether.
When you have taken your time out and have done your inner work you may be ready to tell your mate the part that you played in the incident. Try it.
If you need help with this process, contact me. As a Spiritual Counselor and a Soul Coach I can help.